I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
