My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
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... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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