hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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