Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
