He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
