Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
