Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
