also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
