Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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