Joe is yelling at the trees again.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
