found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You need a sexual gate keeper
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
