im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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