Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
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Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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