I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
