i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
