Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
