Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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