she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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