Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.