Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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