i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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