how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
