I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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