i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
