If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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