you're like a bully in the Christmas story
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
