Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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