Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
