So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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