Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
