I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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