New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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