No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
