Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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