Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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