I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
