yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
