Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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