My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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