does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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