I met the friendliest cop last night
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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