Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
