ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
