Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
