apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need water and some morals
Randomize
