Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
