I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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