i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
