dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
