It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
