Your dad touched me again.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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