that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
