your parents love me but you hate me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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