My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
