At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
