Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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