when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
