hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
