dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
